Rest

I have decided to let my heart rest.

I know that you never meant to hurt me when you told me about your plan. Do you know what I was thanking you for? It’s your honest way of saying your beautiful plans with someone else whom I’m always insecure with. It trully give me reason to re-think about everything.

Do you even remember what you said years ago when I asked you about the chance of meeting her? Do you even remember your answer? Because I do. You assured me. And what makes it worse? I believe you. I entirely truly believed and still believing you despite of the distance between us and despite of the fact we have never even met. I think I have given myself enough energy for staying inside this buble and I never regret anything.

No one will ever understand the internal battle I have to endure. I have asked myself why it has to be that every beautiful thing has to die. Why do pain and love have to go together? Why do my heart function the way it does? Why do my heart keep on loving and loving and loving you all over again even after all this times, even after all this doubts, even after all this uncertainty?

Do you think I can forget you that easy? Do you think I would be capable to do that? Because I doubt myself and I hate that fact. The thought of finding someone else better than you is not even a consideration because for me you were, are and will always be the best. I know I sound crazy but that is how much you have affected me and how much you mean to me – It’s immeasureable.

I wonder why it was so easy for you to accept it rather than try to assure me when I told you I needed time, but I guess it was a good decision. It’s part of me who always need spare time to think clear but deep down inside I wish you did not just surrender that easy. I wish you could stop me doing that. I wish you could take me back to the lame jokes you always threw me. I wish you could take me back to the days when I didn’t have a single bad day because you were always in it, you were always there to comfort me and make me feel better.

There is not much words left to write anymore but I want you to know how sorry I am for pushing you away. I know I should not act like this but I need time and I don’t know until when and you accepted it. I know one of us should start but I can’t start the conversation and I don’t know why. Maybe because this has been my worst nightmare that I keep all alone for myself and I never expected it would become true. Until then, please be assured that I will tirelessly love you – even in silence.

 

Don’t forget to take your vitamin.
~Angie

Losing Hope

Reaching out but I cannot reach you and now I just feel blue not having clue, how to get into your long queue of your plans. The constant fear I have of what if we can’t see each other lingers on my mind every night.

I want to write about pain. The pain that still lingers no matter how hard I try to avoid it. The sensation of realization that my nightmare about you leaving me for other start becoming real. The sensation of being vulnerable to say no because I want you to be happy, but you chose to meet someone else rather than talking about our plan. 

I want to write about pain. I want to tell about the way it suffocates me. Whenever I get anxious and not feeling any better, it makes me see the worst in everything and all I can do is trying to assure myself that everything’s going to be fine, and every plan will eventually become true. 

Here’s the terrible fact, my heart always long for you and now I am tired.

I was really in love with you. Deeply in love. I realized, how much I love ocean could describe the amount of love I had with you but now where’s the love gone?

My head is too screwed up to even think about this so I cannot make any decision about this situation. I do not want to just give up but maybe this is the time? I always knew that I never was your priority, but I kept on hoping. I kept on holding on. Hoping someday we would talk about our plan. Never once we did, but it was easier for you to make plan with someone I’m always insecure about.

How dare you? ☹

When I write this at 12.36 AM I am thinking of you. I am thinking of how beautiful our plans. How beautiful to spend life with you would be. But now all the hopes are gone.

Being in love with you is opening my vision about the art of letting go, the art of how to be pretended that you don’t care while actually I care so much. Now I wonder, should I end this? Or how do I tell myself to keep going without you? Could YouTube tutorial help me? Could my counselling session help me too?

It’s been great to talk to you. Have nice talk before sleep. Talked about cruel co-worker or the deadlines. Those sweet good night wishes. Everything. Every little thing. Except about the hopes, I set too high or about the future we could have.

We kinda drift apart little by little

If I was to ever give up on you, understand how much that took out of me. 

I’m the type to give someone multiple chances over and over again and I truly accept you for who you are.

When I finally decide on leaving you. I swear I will never look back. You will be a shard of my past – long gone.

I would be lying if I told people that I’m okay, but I will get my life back again – surely, I will. 

Maybe this would be the last time. Maybe this is the time.

~ Angie

Ocean and You

I'm really in love with you that I realized, my love to ocean could describe the amount of my love for you. I also realized, after all this time I've seen so many waves come and go, but you are the only one who stays the longest.

Darling, you are just as blue as the ocean crystal clear water.
You are the blue I am drowning for, the blue I'm dying, the blue that calming my midnight thought, the blue which I relentlessly love until I'm dying. 

Falling in love with you was never on my plan but it turns out to be one of the best thing ever happend in my life.
Falling in love with you so deeply with no fear of broken heart. I think it's magic that I finally found the one I've always waited for.

Love,
Angie

TENTANG KAMU DAN CERITA YANG BELUM USAI

 Selamat siang kepada kamu, jatuhku yang paling palung

Maaf karena aku tidak akrab dalam menyampaikan perasaanku lewat suara, tapi percayalah semua tentangmu aku tulis indah dalam rangkaian kata.

Maka, mungkin, kalimat demi kalimat yang suatu hari nanti akan kamu baca ini, akan terdengar sumbang.

Kala menulis tulisan ini, aku tidak memikirkan apa pun – selain bagaimana mungkin semuanya berlalu begitu cepat? Tidak ada yang salah, kecuali kamu dan aku yang adalah sepasang salah, dipertemukan yang kemudian dipisahkan oleh waktu. Lucu bukan, bahkan waktu pun tahu kapan harus menghentikan semuanya ini.

Aku masih ingat dengan sangat – tentang kali pertama kita bertemu. Duduk berdua menikmati harum semerbak kopi. Sore itu, matahari bersembunyi di balik awan. Dia terlihat malu, sama sepertiku yang kala itu berusaha berusaha sembunyi di balik obrolan konyol. Walau sesekali kita tidak sengaja beradu tatap di bawah lampu kuning yang remang, namun lagi-lagi, semua kusembunyikan rapi dalam obrolan yang tak bertepi.

Kau tahu, saat kita mulai berbicara, aku seperti tengah menemukan diriku sendiri sedang bermonolog. Aku menemukan banyak kesamaan di antara kita. Seperti, caramu melihat hidup. Tentang bagaimana kamu menghabiskan waktu luangmu. Atau, leluconmu yang aneh tapi cukup menghibur. Kala itu, aku cukup memerhatikanmu, setiap gerakmu, setiap kata yang keluar dan setiap senyum yang terlukis indah di wajahmu. Kamu unik, cukup unik untuk membuatku menuliskan semua ini. Tapi sayang, aku rasa kamu tidak menyadarinya. Tenang, aku tidak sedang merayumu. Tanya saja pada setiap kalimat yang kutuliskan tulus untukmu. Berharap kata demi katanya tidak akan membuatmu jenuh sewaktu membaca.

Sekarang aku mulai sering bertanya, adakah sesuatu yang lebih kubutuhkan selain memastikan? Memastikan bahwa kamu dalam keadaan baik setiap harinya. Memastikan bahwa aku tidak akan terbawa rasa. Memastikan dengan segenap kewarasanku dan penerimaanku bahwa mungkin, pertemuan kita sebijak-bijaknya adalah cara untuk saling memberikan pembelajaran. Lantas, ketika sudah diberi, apa yang akan kita cari? Akan kah aku tetap menuliskan semua tentangmu atau akan kah kita saling menjauh, mencari tempat lain untuk berkeluh atau hati lain untuk berlabuh? Atau mungkin, akan kah kita saling bertahan? Walau aku tahu jarak di antara hatiku dan hatimu, tidak pernah mengecap kata dekat, bukan? 

Sementara, biar pertanyaan ini terbenam bersama hangatnya musim kemarau yang ditemani swastanita. Bukan karena aku tidak mau tahu jawabannya. Hanya saja, aku belum siap mendengarnya. Maaf ya, aku memang sering kali menanggapi sesuatu secara berlebihan – termasuk dalam perkara mengenalimu.

Dariku,
Yang berusaha membunuh rasa kepemilikan.

19 Juli 2022.
Sekarang pukul 16.10

Ocean Love

I jump and dive into the beautiful calming ocean water leading into infinity

At first, there is a sense of excitement, mysterious, calm and clarity with the gentle movement of the wave

But after swimming for a little longer, my heart starts beating faster and my muscle screams in pain

And I fight to catch a single breath, even though my lung is already full of water

In the end, I have to choose

To surrender and drown, or

To keep fighting until I get to the shore   

And that, my dear, is my feeling right now

And I don't want you to see or feel my internal sorrow

but even then,

I can't lie that 

I want to hold your hand

I want to spend time with you

But you are far away and nowhere to be found

Loving you was like sinking, like drowning

and back again to the surface

And I don't know what to do

I've been holding onto you

for far too long

I've been holding onto this dream 

that we once shared for far too long

Eventually, this needs and end

And I chose to slowly release me unto the hope of tomorrow

the obscurity between us

Perhaps it's the only way 

for us to be the better version

to love each other the way we need to be loved

Till next time,

Angie