The Past Is A Hidden Future

Sometimes i feel like i missed something but i dunno what kind of things that i missed of... Since that whole 2 months after i left HdT, my life is totally change, i guess i enjoy my life now than before. Everything has change, my life, my society, my school, my friends and even my family life, i love what i have now and it's worth for me. Since i left HdT (this is the last word i spell the name of HdT) i got some pelajaran berharga yang i never get when i stay there and also i can explore everything with freedomness, responsible and limitation.

For the first week after leaving HdT i feel like i dont even want to remember what happen to me in the last 3 years, even the sweetest memories, for me they were too dangerous untuk diingat, it hurts me so much and i just want to forget all bout it. After a long survive time and recovery time from the shock big changes finally i knew what happend to me before, now or after actually is in a settings. Im only a players in my life, the changes maybe will be better or worst but everything depends on me and depends how i face every problem and re-setting my mind----like wut i said bcuz im a players and an actress in my life and im the only one who know my path and my journey.

Am i feel happy now? Yeah, this new life make me smile and laugh everyday. Eventhough, sometimes when i want to take sleep i cry and i just realized how dumb i was and how idiot i was, honestly that small video cross my mind everyday starting aku bolos sekolah, lying, pemalas and many other things which made me rusak. Aku cuma berpikir why i did that stupid things without thinking? I want to fuck my mind and my brain. Sometimes i wonder, why sud i need that well, black past? But now i've found the answer, black past (masa lalu suram)yang aku jalani dulu like semangat buat aku untuk hidup lebih baik like now. I cant be like who i am now if i dont have that black future, everythings is in set and i believe that. For me my past is the only thing which make me could open a new blank page for start a new life with a better style dimana in that blank page actualy there's a hidden future. So i said thank you for my past yang sudah helping me to find who i am, im not going back to the last 'Angel' but i'll keep moving on and struggling for what i want. Here nobody can ask me to do what i dont want to do, and for my special Past now i found who you trully are "The Past Is The Hidden Future".

Fuckin' Relationship

How dare i am being in this sucks relationship?? Im not ready yet for all the missing time of him, in the other side i really love him as much as i love my self. How about the 7 months 2gether?? will we meet each other in reality? or it just a dream?. Im fucking miss him, how could i describe this feeling? tell me please! Im dying just for missing him, it's the worst thing of my life. Kenal dia yang beda tahun lebih tua dari aku make me open my mind, he's nice well even we havent meet each other. Dunno why and how can i fall in love with him, loving him something an incredible moment in my life. I love the way he treats me, i love the way he smile and laugh, i love the way he speaks, i love every inches of him, i love everything of him. But now............ we really are in the differet conditon, i miss him like hell. We have no skype for almost 1 week. Wut would i tell you in this short post is nobody will change my love to him, i love him and i trust him as he trust me.

Dear Joshua Schulz, im really lucky for having you as my boy, sometimes ithink how deserve am i?? im not that perfect girl, but you still prefer me and always be there and get ready for me. Jo, thank you for this awesome 7 whole months, even we are in LDR but someday i believe of course it should be in January 2016 as u promised me we will see each other. I did, i do and i'll always love you my big bear....... Cepet balik dari CA! I miss you like hell Joshuaaaaaaaaaaaa, i miss you so fuck!!

Break The Rules in Neptune

Sometimes i feel like o want to break all the rules just for one day but i really know that's too impossible. Im sure every teenagers pernah berada dimasa kayak apa yang aku rasain, masa dengan tingkat kebosanan paling akut, masa where we couldn't do what exactly we want bcuz some people dont allow us to do that or that. For fuckin hell that's really suck, being a teenager sometimes make me kinda crazy. I feel like im in the prison, this world has too much rules.

Kadang aku merasa kenapa si harus diatur-atur kayak anak kecil?? Cmon im 16 years old, and im not a kid so i think i know wut i do and i know the consequences. Sometimes i feel gak nyaman aja if someone terlalu over-worried with me, it looks like they think im a 6 years old girl, for example my sist wants me to send her messages everywhere i go, wut time i'll come back, and where i am. U know wut? it's really sucks, can she just stop overthinking bout me?.

I want to be free but free in the right meaning and in the right way, i wish i could have wings like a bird. They could go anywhere they want, passing any obstacle but still can survive, watching nice view, get rest where they want and meet their friends and start to fly again. Huh, jadi adek is a fuckin bad luck. I want to manage my self with my way, i meant i dont mean i can do it alone but i really hate the way the care of me. Can they just support meor giving me a constructive advice? i dont need their fuckin loud voice at me, i dont need ceramahan mereka yang sometimes make me really want to kill 'em, i dont need that. Wut i need is only they could show me their love and careness, just simple as that.

Have you feel like wut i feel?? i want to explore my world and myself, i want to express myself but the fucking rules always stop me for doing this or that, it looks like rules always make someone get better but infact?? rules always making someone crazy, twill be different if peraturan yang dibuat itu menyenangkan dan tidak bersifat memaksa tapi it just impossible to find that kind of rules. Aku kadang merasa capek harus ngikutin peraturan yang ada, malah kadang peraturan yang dibuat really unreasonable. I just want to break the limits and then break rules in the right way.

Kadang aku feel jeaolous with my friends, cuz they can easily check in di path ke tempat-tempat nongkrong yang cozy and fun. And how about me?? i just stay at home that's is typically wut i do every friday night. I want to feel like going to diskotik, drink a glass of vodka, taste a ciggaret or doing somethin like a normal teenager did, thats all. Im human lho, when aku curhat sama temenku commentar mereka "sabar aja, lagian kamu kan masih muda masih butu pengawasan" oh darn!! useless ajalah cerita sama mereka, pengawasan like wut yang harus mereka lakukan?? watching me every single day?? or wut? really a typical story buat anak cewek ABG kaya aku, but are they blind?? dont they see im 16 and i can make perbedaan yang baik atau yang buruk, bedain mana yang sud i do or not, aku manusia normal yang masih butuh untuk menghirup udara segar dan plzzz sekali aja stop looking at me like that way (i meant menanggap aku anak umur 6 tahun, which can do anything. Im sleepy now, so see you i dont know when and where will meey. Have a nice holiday. byeeeeeeeeee.