Rest

I have decided to let my heart rest.

I know that you never meant to hurt me when you told me about your plan. Do you know what I was thanking you for? It’s your honest way of saying your beautiful plans with someone else whom I’m always insecure with. It trully give me reason to re-think about everything.

Do you even remember what you said years ago when I asked you about the chance of meeting her? Do you even remember your answer? Because I do. You assured me. And what makes it worse? I believe you. I entirely truly believed and still believing you despite of the distance between us and despite of the fact we have never even met. I think I have given myself enough energy for staying inside this buble and I never regret anything.

No one will ever understand the internal battle I have to endure. I have asked myself why it has to be that every beautiful thing has to die. Why do pain and love have to go together? Why do my heart function the way it does? Why do my heart keep on loving and loving and loving you all over again even after all this times, even after all this doubts, even after all this uncertainty?

Do you think I can forget you that easy? Do you think I would be capable to do that? Because I doubt myself and I hate that fact. The thought of finding someone else better than you is not even a consideration because for me you were, are and will always be the best. I know I sound crazy but that is how much you have affected me and how much you mean to me – It’s immeasureable.

I wonder why it was so easy for you to accept it rather than try to assure me when I told you I needed time, but I guess it was a good decision. It’s part of me who always need spare time to think clear but deep down inside I wish you did not just surrender that easy. I wish you could stop me doing that. I wish you could take me back to the lame jokes you always threw me. I wish you could take me back to the days when I didn’t have a single bad day because you were always in it, you were always there to comfort me and make me feel better.

There is not much words left to write anymore but I want you to know how sorry I am for pushing you away. I know I should not act like this but I need time and I don’t know until when and you accepted it. I know one of us should start but I can’t start the conversation and I don’t know why. Maybe because this has been my worst nightmare that I keep all alone for myself and I never expected it would become true. Until then, please be assured that I will tirelessly love you – even in silence.

 

Don’t forget to take your vitamin.
~Angie