347/365 days

Last November I got so many problems. Start from university life, friendship and even love story which fucked me up. But throughout the time I learn how to give more, I learn how to sacrifice and I learn how to calm myself down , eventho I don’t end up with what I want. Obviously that’s not how life works. I don’t get what I want. But sometimes I end up finding what I need, and I feel like Universe knows what I need more than what I want. Life is too complicated (yeah, I do agree). 

The second week of December has come and I'm still asking myself what have I done for the rest 11 months? I oftenly been living life happy and content, but then suddenly life slaps me in the face with something unexpected. It feels like problems are never ending story, they just change form and it make life seems so hard. 

Now, I have come to the simple, to the conclusion that time moves too quick, made me realize that life is very short. Life is so short that I must follow my dreams. That I must kiss the person I love. That I must say hello to strangers. That I must forgive people who hurt me. Leave my friends and family with hugs and kisses instead of just saying goodbyes. I should look at the sky. gaze at the stars and count it too. Call my mother and old friends. Dance the night away till my feet give up. Say I love you to the one that I love. Enjoy the little things before it’s too late. Before it’s too late to enjoy life.

CLUELESS

Right now, I’m at the point where I’m getting to feel disappointment, sadness, and broken heart. I get hurt by people’s lies, broken promises, betrayals, rejections, but still I always try to trust them again and again. Many times, I blame on my self ; wondering about why did i do something so stupid and at the end i just regret it all.
Right now, I'm so fragile, everything really change so quick without giving me any clue.
If i could describe myself right now then i would say that im just a girl who get lost in the middle of nowhere, survive for her self but always failed caused by she trust wrong person, she waste her time and she fake everything outside to look happier. Im dead inside you, because im so obssesed with you without even thinking i get killed little by little (what a game?!)
I put high expectations on people; i should realize that i cant change people to be what i want and i cant always be with those who i want. I should have to remember that people are temporary and they are too busy for me :(
then should i forgive my self? Not gonna lie, it takes long time to stop blaming my self. I made evrything too complicated and decide eveyrthing too quick. I should stop watering the dead roses and try to plant another one, in another garden (maybe)
I should have let my self to

Airport Memories

"Stop looking for the happiness in the same place you lost it"
Yashh, thats true! I have heard so many times about that but the problem is how if that place use to be my second home now
Its an A I R P O R T
Okay, let me tell you a story.
It takes me whole times before i decide to meet/pick up someone from the airport because i know we gonna stay only maximum 7 days then he/she gonna leave me with a hard goodbye. I used to believe there's nothing going to happen with your feeling when you spend times with someone until one day you came and make it different.
It looks like universe knows what i feel
.
.
I wish i could turn back the time or make it go slower, i wish i could say how much i want you, i wish i could hold your hand and tell you i dont want you to go, i wish and i wish.
I had no idea you would be that important until i loose you (again at the airport)
How did we get this far and why did something special had to finish?
Let me be honest that i still remember every single thing we did
We had a lot of fun when we were together
I still remember how we first met, how we shake hand and how we talk
I still remember our first text until it turns into endless conversation
I still remember that night we were walking around and talk about silly things
I still remember how you hold my hand walking in the middle of twin tree
I still remember everything since the first time till the hard goodbye at the airport
.
.
Now as everything become memory, i have to accept that we were just a good coincidence
I have to accept that we are just two people who aren't mean to be together.
At the end of everything, all the matter is you are no longer here.
So as you say goodbye to me
I just want you to know
Im trying my best to just let you go

Short Reminder

For all women who read this, i want you to know that there are thousands of things more meaningful and valuable than just a physically look. Do everything you want, no matter what they say, other people will just keep insulting and judging you no matter what you have given or what you have done. Action will cause a reaction, so does what will you receive after you do what you think is right and what you love. It is good to be different, but dont forget be smart, be independent, be gentle and be wise. Those things are better than beautiful absolutely better than just a physically beauty. 

Wear pants, wear makeup, wear a dress, wear a headscarf, wear anything that expresses you. 

You are not a bad person for caring yourself, choose what you want to make you happy.  You are not bad person for wanting to be happy. Allow yourself to feel proud of your own self, you deserve to feel that after the things you have done 

Women are not about what they wear. Really, you are more than that. Be confidence with yourself

And last, you are not defined by how someone else perceives you. Your worth does not come from how someone else reacts to you. You are your own person and are loveable just as you are. Learn to be comfortable with every fragment of yourself 

Swimming Against the Wave

Nothing lasts forever, so I've heard.
We choose to think that we are deep in love, so when we stumble upon obstacles far beyond our league, we have nothing to fear. With misty missions, you tell me, "Together, we will conquer it all."

We fail to understand, that we are swimming against the wave. We are fighting the entire universe.
So that's how I get it, a limit works in hurtful ways; We keep believing in forever, but forever is too long and uncertain, for our bones and flesh are rusting, eaten by time and space.

We are never gonna make it to the shore.
The magic between us is gone. Someone once told me that some people will stay, but some people will not: I thought you were the one who was going to stay through thick and thin, but apparently you’re not.

By then, I swallow the fact that
the forces put a limit to us,
so we know when to stop trying.
(And eventually, hurting.)
Sadly, loving you with all my heart and soul will never be enough for you. And now I realize it's the fear of loving and being loved
that still remains to torture the heart this way.
it is now a game over; you hold all the cards.
and it doesn't take long—for you to break my heart—once you are inside


First paragraph adopted from
—R. Margareth

Unidentified Sadness

People come and go really fast, leaving a bad scars but you keep trying and trying until one day  there is a time that you're feeling so down.
Even the sadness you feel is something that you can't explain. You know that tears could fix nothing and thing just doesnt work, eventho you have try your best.. Put much effort on it and believe that everything will run as what you have expected before but then time flies and tell you that you are wrong, all that efforts are just nothing. At the end of the day you realise that you are alone you feel lonely. No one really care about it.

At that moment, you try to find someone..
Scrolling down your friend lists and groups, and considering if maybe... one of them.. or maybe just one person.. could hear what you really feel..

But then, you end up having nothing, you find no one.
Not because you cant find a close one, but it's more because you couldn't find someone that you trust for that feeling.. for that story..
Or...
You know that they won't see your "things" as a matter or in other word they dont really care about you

Even your family, even your squad, or even they who once said love and always said would always be there for you..
And at that point of time, you realize..
You literally are lonely.

For this several days, i have been through some shits. Things that i expect doesnt work and failed in several goals.
Regret everything i have ever done and judge myself that im stupid.
Im trying to trust, trying to wait but the end i just get hurt and hurts. Honestly, I want to stop but I don't know why I can't, my mind always say you can try it once more time then if it doesn't work you stop but my heart say stop it or you will get hurt again.
Am I sad? Nahh... I don't think so, I just don't understand my own self, Im just feeling everything is too complicated, I'm just denying my self, I'm just too weak to say no and I'm just trying to hold something that I supposed to let it go.

God knows I'm trying for you,

Samantha

Life Time Zone

Do you think you are going nowhere in Life? Stopp! And take a breathe deep
Everyone was created for some good purpose, no one is created for bad purpose.
Look, someone is graduated at 22 but need to wait for 6 years for job
Someone is became CEO at 25 and die at 50 while other became CEO at age 50 and lived to 90. Someone is still single while someone else got married and maybe this one is little bit funny but Obama retires at 55 while Trumps became US President at 70. Isn't it funny if we know the fact?
Basically, everything in this world works based on their Time Zone.
People around you might seem go ahead you or maybe behind you but everyone absolutely is running their own race in their own time.
For me, life is about waiting for the right momment to act. You are not too late nor too early, remember we all are just moving on our path and based on our own time zone.
Maybe some of us always questioning "when is the right momment" but remember again we are very on time on our way and time zone.

Have nice day,

Angie. 

How to Deal with Having Big Boobs

Alright, first off all

I am not trying to brag or anything, the whole point of this post is to let girls with smaller boobs know that having boobs is not always as awesome as it looks.
I am not complaining, (I do (complain) a lot, by the way, but I have learnt to be grateful with what I have).

Boobs. They come in all different sizes and shapes:

I have always had boobs, like no kidding, it’s weird, if you saw pictures of me on instagram or facebook you'd understand 🙄 Of course, I wasn’t born with huge ass boobs. I just remember being uncomfortable taking my shirt off as a kid when I would go swimming with my friends, especially, when I was around the age of 12 and 13. A lot of my friends came up to me and told me how lucky I was to have “big tits” and telling me how it isn’t fair that I got them so fast. I guess it was a compliment but all I wanted to do is get a boobs reduction, trust me i was really depressed when people say like that. I just wanted to rip them off my chest. I hated them. It wasn’t because I found them ugly or because they looked bad but mostly because I just really didn’t want to be known as “the girl with big boobs” mostly when you live in Indo, arrrghh you will really get stressed because everytime you walk alone you always get a catcalling from street. That suxxx bruhh really suxxx. At that age, I thought a lot about boys, which was something completely normal for a tween, but I feared that they would only like me for my rack, I was scared that they would tell me bullshit in order to get with me and sadly I still have these trust issues today. I looked way older than I was. I spent a lot of my time on the beach with my shirt on, ESPECIALLY when the beach was crowded because I was afraid that a creepy man would stare at me like I was a piece of fresh meat (this happened to me so many times, it’s actually fucked up).
Ohh and YOU GUYS RUNNING WITH BOOBS IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING, you have no idea how uncomfortable it is, yes, even with a sports bra on plus when you go to the gym the trainer always try to do something just to look at my boobs, fuck it.
A lot of people, think that having big boobs is dope because you get to seduce people and get free stuff, like I don’t know if it actually works because I have never tried but, dude, no, that sounds so bad to me, I personally would never do that. One more thing, Clothes. I have learned to never buy a shirt or a bathing suit without trying it on, I get very sad when I see such an amazing piece in a store and when I try it on and it either looks completely deformed or too revealing, too sexy. I also hate going shopping for bikinis or bras because all the cute stuff don’t fit and all the things that do, are just ugly. I need extra size for my breast part
Lastly, “the glance and wink”… Ladies we all know that one glance and wink you know the one where you talk to someone and you catch them looking down at your boobs for like half a second and it makes you real uncomfortable real fast, yeah that one. The amount of people of have glanced down at my chest, from teenage boys to adults, from teachers (yes teachers) to someone’s grandpa. It is so creepy, I can’t even describe the feeling, you just want to hide forever. It is so terrible. EWW
Even when i was at school most of my guy friend try to touch it like what the fuck is wrong, i just hate everything they do when it's related to my boobs


Anyway, I have learnt to appreciate my babies more now and despite all of the inconvenience of having big boobs there are still dope things about having them, for example, you give the best hugs and your friends use them as a pillow and plus you don’t have to wear those very uncomfortable push up bras and well yeah you dont have to do extra workout haha. And for all my girls who have small titties, y’all are still beautiful and you don’t have to have a huge rack to be sexy and remember you get to wear the cutest bikinis, you don’t have to hold your boobs when there is a huge speed bump and you can run with ease. There is a perk in everything. We always want what we don’t have and at the end of the day, if you think about it, the size of boobies doesn’t really matter, as long as you feel confidence with your self everything will look perfectly fine

TIPS TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR BOOBIES.

Stretch Marks: It’s all good if you have them, don’t be ashamed, but if you don’t want more, put some ALMOND OIL on your boobs after showering (you can look it up on google on how to put it)
DON’T GO TO SLEEP WITH YOUR BRA ON GIRL. Just don’t.

Love your own tits,

Angie

Féminisme For Life

Feminism is seen in so many different ways.

It seems like that word has become risque. With so many negative connotations, and hateful synonyms, it’s no wonder why our generation doesn't want to labelled as a feminist. 

Some see feminists as crazy, imposing, man-hating topless lesbians. Some aren’t sure about what it is. But to me, feminists are people who believe in the social, political and economic equality of both gender. If you believe that men and women are equal in every single way and situation then you are feminist, my friend. Feminism is something so very important to me. It has shaped me into the young woman I am today, feminism has helped me react the adequate way in some situations. It has helped me defend women around me who needed help. It is something I am proud of. Feminism makes me happy; Feminism gives me hope for the future of our children and grandchildren. I want to help to stop rape culture, cat-calling and sexism in general.

Feminism supports men staying at home and raising their children if that is what they want to do, or what is best for their family. Feminism supports women treating men with respect. Feminism also supports men getting paid paternity leave so they can stay home with their newborn child. Feminism supports men being sensitive, strong, tough, or whatever they want to be. Feminism supports men. Feminism supports people and feminism supports life too.

At the end of the words to say you are not a feminist is to say you do not believe in equality, and that is the fact. This is not a myth, not an opinion, but a fact. Of course everyone is entitled to his or her own beliefs, and I’m not here to tell you that you have to be a feminist. Instead, I am trying to help educate you on what being a feminist truly mean, because my bet is if people really understood the true meaning of feminism, we would have a lot more men and women

How to Deal with Sex for the First Time?

To some people, the first time having sex is one of the most important moments of your life, there are different reasons for different people, cultures and beliefs. For some, it’s no big deal, it’s just a first time like any other first times. Personally, I believe that it doesn’t matter if you think it’s a special moment or not, you have the right to believe what you want. What matters to me,  is if you feel ready, comfortable and that you trust the person you’re doing it with. Age doesn’t really matter, some people are comfortable at a younger age than others, as long as you feel ready to do it then I don’t see what is wrong. I honestly don’t think that anyone can decide when or who to lose it to but yourself.

In the media, a lot of the time, loosing your virginity is seen as a very special moment; I’m talking about rose petals, candles, fireworks and the perfect lover. But after talking to some of people about it, I soon found out that it doesn’t always goes as planned and it doesn’t always feel great.
Just a little reminder, do it if you feel ready and especially don’t do it if you feel obligated to do it or just to please the other person.

Im kinda sad that i know some of people still think that women can get pregnant just by they do a blow job or just by kissing and they dont even know how to deal with it. Well, im here not forcing you guys to do sex at the young age but im here just to show ypu some reasons why we shouldnt get afraid of loosing virginity because anyway we will loose it sooner or later.

As i said at the first time, these all is about belief and cultures because everyone is different with each other. And the reason why i wrote this kind of article because i think Indonesian teenagers dont get enough sex education at school, they have no enough couragement to talk with their parents about sexual things and some of them are not allowed to speak about it.


Youth aged 13 to 24 accounted for more than 1 in 5 new HIV diagnoses in 2014, (source). Let’s all help to prevent STD’s and please please stay protected. You have to realise that things do happen and it can happen to anyone, you have to realise that you can get Aids after the 100th time you have sex or the first time having it. There is nothing cool about having unprotected sex and NEVER FEEL OBLIGATED TO HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE !!!

Most of you have probably learned this in school but just in case, here are ways to have sex safely :) :

• Use goddamn condom. You even have lots of variant taste and there is even glow-in-the-dark one
• For ladies, take birth control pills. REMEMBER THE PILLS DO NOT PROTECT YOU FROM STD’S SO YOU CAN BE NOT PREGNANT BUT STILL HAVE HERPES AND IT AIN’T PRETTY.
• Use lubricant, because friction heightens the risk of infections and can also cause broken condoms.
• Get tested regularly (because it’s simply better to be safe than sorry).
• Communicate with your partner.

Lastly, thank you so much for reading and remember have sex whenever you want to and whenever you feel safe and comfortable, your body is ypur own bussiness no one have right to forcing you to do anything babes. STAY FUCKING PROTECTED.

With love,
Angie

Everyone is Beautiful

Skin goals or body goals does not always mean having white skin and slim or eve skinny body. this creates a toxic mindset to girls of colour (especially indonesians since there are so many account that give such an useless article)  which is: "if you're not white or at least white-passing, you can't be 'goals'." and that's wrong. that's so terribly wrong.

since we were very young, if you're not light-skinned, society will automatically judge you as 'ugly'. light-skinned people are worshipped like hell and people who are dark-skinned are encouraged to 'bleach' their skin (heck why there's a lot of 'whitening' products out there) and if you noticed almost all of the skin care ads product always giving you their best power WHITENING

people who don't have sharp noses - out of here.

people with curly hair - fuck that, we like
straight hair.

also, racist stereotypes. black people in indonesia are often degraded (this is happend to me since im with dark skin, they judge me and mostly my outfit). black people can't be pretty. indians can't be pretty. native americans can't be pretty. hispanics can't be pretty, africans cant be pretty. fuck that.

fuck this Euro-centric beauty standards (i dont meant to be racist but the fact says almost Indonesian teenagers are obssesed with European beauty standards) stand you're fucking pretty and you don't need lighter skin, straighter hair, smaller nose, thinner lips, or bigger eyes to be pretty.
And for those who always dream to get a perfect body shape or skin tone like VS models, you just too narrow mind baby. There are tons of models who have big size and dark skin color.

love yourself, goddamn.

sincerely,
a person who is 999999,9% tired of white-washed girls of colour 

It's All Done

Coming back again after a month off from social media.
Holla amigos! It's really nice to be back here but why the mood of writing is always for a sad story.
Well i dunno how to start and What to start with because its been really long since i kept all the story just for my self. Tapi disini aku mau cerita tentang gimana aku wasting time with all the dramas i have been passed.
As u know (if u follow my blog since last Oktober) i had an ex which is really undescribeable (i meant i dont even know how to describe Cuz We r not even close, even tho we were ex lol) but we broke up since January which was depressed me a lot but damn yeah Im completely fine now, being in relationship just 2 weeks for me is really like nothing. I meant i dont even count it as a relationship, so as the time flew i can Finally move on within 4/5 days but it wasn't stop until there,  i have such a long period where i keep silent and not talking to him for the whole 2 weeks then yeah i dunno why We start talking again.
This gonna be long story, so you have to be patient to read until the climax 😁😁
After that We start everything like nothing happend in this case of situation of already MOVE ON Yeahh GUYS IM ALREADY MOVE ON, A 100% MOVE ON SO STOP SENDING ME MESSAGE AND ASKING ME HOW DO I FEEL BOUT HIM HAHA
Until someday something happend and i started to keep silent and ignore him again for the twice times. It got back like the first time, 2 weeks without chat but then we were back again as a friend, i had last chat with him and it was this Sunday, We were really fine before something change my mind. Here i just wanna say something that really shocked me up.
Im not really mad with my ex this was an unpredictable ending, after long time of wasting everything i have Finally decided i should stop talking to him, stop caring of him and stop everything. I have to ignore him and pretend like He is not exist. I know this night Sound really bad and rude but there is something He did which really hurtful, Told you he is a heartbreaker and just tonight he sent me message asking me why did i do this. God i really want to answered "after all, r u coming asking me this stupid question? Go find the answer by urself" but i just read his message. It's all done, Im fine with everything u made. Start from drama(s), sweet words which never really happend a.k.a bullshit(s) and all the things u have done since i knew you. Yasshh buddies, these all the reasons why i never amit He was my ex. Imagine if u were me, it's all so hurtful
.
.
Well i have some Tips for you before u start new relationship
1. Make sure that both of you are falling in love (not bcuz of underpressure)
2. Both of you have to know each other well before start loving
3. Let your family know about your relationship
4. Dont be golddigger for each other
5. Be more sensitive and last
6. Dont hope too much cuz it gonna break u
.
.

With Love,
Angie

Try Harder

Untuk segala sesuatu yang pernah terjadi atau akan terjadi pasti ada alasannya. 

Percayalah ada saat kau harus mundur tanpa berusaha lagi untuk menarik ulur

Ada saat kau harus melepas tanpa berusaha lagi memaksa dengan keras

Ada saat kau harus mengalah tanpa harus berpikir siapa yang salah

Ada saat kau harus berhenti menanyakan jawaban atas setiap pertanyaan

Ada saat kau harus berhenti mengharapkan peluang saat berjuang

.

.

Saat ini,  tepatnya hari ini,  ada banyak hal yang berkecamuk dipikiranku. Aku belajar untuk mengikhlaskan apa yang telah hilang,  belajar untuk memaafkan ketika disakiti, belajar untuk melupakan ketika disakiti lagi dan ya begitulah

Perasaan dan pikiran memang tidak pernah sejalan, ingin rasa untuk berteriak namun apa daya bila yang keluar hanyalah sesal

Seandainya, seandainya dan seandainya

Ya seandainya jika waktu itu aku tidak mengedepankan perasaan pasti hari ini aku baik-baik saja

Untuk kalian semua yang mungkin membaca blog ini dan berfikir bahwa aku adalah cewek baper. I DONT CARE,  NOT EVEN A SINGLE THING U GUYS SAY WOULD AFFECT ME. I FUCKING DONT CARE, toh kalo aku baperan kalian juga ga rugi kan so just Stfu. 

Im just really shocked when i read our last message i meant how dare are you?! I have explained since the first time that i never cheat but u said i have so many boyfriends. Shits happend when u give second change to the wrong person. 

Now,  everything has change and for the fucking second time i have (this should be written we have)  to fight again. And for now i dunno how long this gonna last,  i just think this one is too complicated. None of us even try to declare our feelings to each others instead of sayang that to our friends. Things got so complicated i dont even know how to fix it

Being in the same place with u everyday kinda a test for me,  i have to be patient and pretend like for godsake everything is fine 

One of my friend said i have to try Harder and Harder and just let it go,  saat to rite this such words but i can tell you my mind and heart never world together and i hate it but well i will try it.  Try Harder!!!!! 

Cinta Bukan Lelucon

Hai hai, udah lama nih gak nulis. Aku sibuk UAS dan USEK jadi baru ada waktu :) well sorry lagi karna belum sempet nyeritain tentang gimana aku pindah sekolah dan PKL aku waktu itu but i will do it soon, i promise
Nah, berhubung hari ini lagi ada mood buat nulis jadi aku pengen nulis tapi as usual tulisan kali ini galau-galau gitu deh. Ini tulisan buat ngodein orang (anjay) tapi berhubung yang dikode ga peka2 ya udah aku mending nulis aja, selain itu tulisan ini perfectly related banget sama apa yang aku rasain. Tentang harapan yang hilang dan berbalas dengan kesia-siaan, so hope you guys enjoy it :)

"hai apa kabar?" aku tersenyum sambil mengulurkan tangan berharap ia menyambut uluran tanganku namun kenyataannya semua itu hanyalh mimpi. Iya, aku sedang bermimpi
Sore ini hujan turun kembali, aromanya menyapu indra indra penciumanku.
Kata orang, ketika hujan turun, itu adalah momen yang pas untuk berdiam diri dirumah, entah untuk sekedar tidur atau melakukan aktivitas yang lain dan kata orang  hujan juga adalah momen yang pas untuk dijadikan sebagai waktu untuk bernostalgia dengan masa lalu
Dan disinilah saya, berbaring sambil memikiran kamu, pikiran saya berlabuh untuk menjelajah masa lalu dan akhirnya semua tertuju padamu
Ada beribu kenapa dan mengapa yang selalu hinggap dipikiran saya, dan kamu selalu mendominasi pertanyaan itu,
Jujur saja, saya masih bertanya apakah maksud dari konspirasi yang dengan sengaja mempertemukan kita? kalau pada ujungnya harus berpisah.
Sekarang semua terulang kembali,
Entahlah, antara saya yang dengan mudah terbawa perasaan atau kau yang selalu menebar kata-kata manis
Saya sibuk menyalahkan keadaan, padahal sejatinya tidak ada yang salah
Ibarat tanda baca, aku mencintaimu tanpa koma aku ingin menjadi tanda ttik yang menjadi akhir dari seluruh kisah cintamu
Namun, sepertinya, bagimu mencintaiku itu selalu ada koma diantaranya
Ah sudahlah, kata tak mampu ucapkan apa yang kurasa biar air mata yang kini harus bicara
3 bulan sudah aku menunggu semuanya namun hanya berbalas pada kesia-siaan
Untuk kali ini aku memutuskan untuk pergi, mundur perlahan karna kau juga menginginkan aku mundur bukan?
Sudah cukup bagiku memperjuangkan semuanya, sekarang saatnya untuk melepaskan
Berat memang tapi apa daya hati sudah tak kuat menahan lara
Terima kasih untuk luka dan air mata
Saya sudah berusaha untuk mencari dan tetap berharap kini semuanya akan berakhir
Karna yang layak dicari itu yang hilang, bukan yang pergi--apalagi yang sengaja pergi untuk dicari.
Cinta bukan lelucon, kasih


Sincerly,
Angie