Losing Hope

Reaching out but I cannot reach you and now I just feel blue not having clue, how to get into your long queue of your plans. The constant fear I have of what if we can’t see each other lingers on my mind every night.

I want to write about pain. The pain that still lingers no matter how hard I try to avoid it. The sensation of realization that my nightmare about you leaving me for other start becoming real. The sensation of being vulnerable to say no because I want you to be happy, but you chose to meet someone else rather than talking about our plan. 

I want to write about pain. I want to tell about the way it suffocates me. Whenever I get anxious and not feeling any better, it makes me see the worst in everything and all I can do is trying to assure myself that everything’s going to be fine, and every plan will eventually become true. 

Here’s the terrible fact, my heart always long for you and now I am tired.

I was really in love with you. Deeply in love. I realized, how much I love ocean could describe the amount of love I had with you but now where’s the love gone?

My head is too screwed up to even think about this so I cannot make any decision about this situation. I do not want to just give up but maybe this is the time? I always knew that I never was your priority, but I kept on hoping. I kept on holding on. Hoping someday we would talk about our plan. Never once we did, but it was easier for you to make plan with someone I’m always insecure about.

How dare you? ☹

When I write this at 12.36 AM I am thinking of you. I am thinking of how beautiful our plans. How beautiful to spend life with you would be. But now all the hopes are gone.

Being in love with you is opening my vision about the art of letting go, the art of how to be pretended that you don’t care while actually I care so much. Now I wonder, should I end this? Or how do I tell myself to keep going without you? Could YouTube tutorial help me? Could my counselling session help me too?

It’s been great to talk to you. Have nice talk before sleep. Talked about cruel co-worker or the deadlines. Those sweet good night wishes. Everything. Every little thing. Except about the hopes, I set too high or about the future we could have.

We kinda drift apart little by little

If I was to ever give up on you, understand how much that took out of me. 

I’m the type to give someone multiple chances over and over again and I truly accept you for who you are.

When I finally decide on leaving you. I swear I will never look back. You will be a shard of my past – long gone.

I would be lying if I told people that I’m okay, but I will get my life back again – surely, I will. 

Maybe this would be the last time. Maybe this is the time.

~ Angie